So here is what you need to remind yourself:
It is in their best interests that you require hard-work and discipline. Asking for discipline from your child will actually pay off in the long run, and they won't have to go to special therapy for five years, I promise. I love my mom, despite the oven timer incidents (keep reading.) It is a life lesson that your child has the opportunity to learn - developing their talents can be fun, but the most fun occurs after they have put in some hard work.
When you feel guilty, this is what you tell yourself:
Most of you have not started music lessons for your child out of the complete blue. Most of you have children that have shown talent or interest in music. That is why you have put them in lessons in the first place. I hear most of the time that parents are looking for lessons for their child that sings all the time and they want to develop their ability and talent. No one ever calls me and says that their child throws a football incessantly but they are hoping to force piano on them and turn them into a concert pianist instead. No, you are asking them to be disciplined about something that they love and something that they are talented in. You are encouraging them to develop their talent, which they love, but still teaching them that it takes hard work. This is a real life lesson. Repeat after me, you will not suck the joy out of this for them by requiring a little practice. In fact, you will be infusing confidence and allowing them to feel rewarded. In fact, by not requiring practice you will be doing exactly what you are afraid of, taking the joy and reward out of studying music. I want to give you permission to require some discipline. Here are a few reasons why I think it is okay to insist that your child practices:
Kids who practice even a very small amount (5-10 minutes a couple days a week) come to their lesson and they have improved. They feel like piano and voice is fun and is much easier. They are not overwhelmed or frustrated. They feel like they are getting better, and they enjoy it. They believe me when I tell them that they are good at it. They realize that practice is not so bad. They see the results, and they have more fun. They respect their lessons more, because they are working during the week to make improvements and they want to show their teacher. They care about their lesson. Usually when practice becomes part of their weekly routine, they don't mind it at all. It becomes something they just do like homework or chores, but they are improving so quickly that they feel confident and proud of their talent and accomplishments.
Just like adults, kids often times dread something when they procrastinate. Once they jump in and start practicing they don't think it is so bad. Some of them actually like it, it was just the thought of sitting down and working on something a that is a little challenging or difficult that was causing fear or dread. Often times weeks of not practicing that result in confusing lessons, and forgotten concepts are the real culprit of why students dread practice so much. You can show them that they can overcome that fear, and that it isn't so bad. When you help them overcome fear, dread, and procrastination, you teach them so much more than music.
On the contrary:
Students who never practice come to their lesson and they can't remember what we are working on week to week. They haven't improved, or they can't remember how their song goes. They lose ground some weeks instead of gaining ground, and it is frustrating and discouraging to get worse instead of getting better. When I try to tell them that they are talented at this and that they should work on it, they don't believe me. Instead, they are defeated and discouraged. They don't believe they are good at music, and then they stop trying. Here is a little secret I will let you in on...any good music teacher is going to move at a pace that requires some work at home. Your child will feel defeated and discouraged, confused, and a little bewildered if they are only thinking about music during their lesson. You absolutely have to practice during the week to feel confident. If your child isn't practicing and feels discouraged, confused, and wants to quit, don't be so shocked. It means you have a good teacher that is moving along during the lessons and expecting a certain amount of progress to be made every week. If your child isn't making that progress, discouragement is going to follow.
There is probably some perfect child out there who bounces home from their music lesson, practices an hour a day, loves every minute of it, and never needs to be reminded or encouraged. I am hoping to birth that perfect child someday. (I don't have my own kids yet, and I am still dreaming that they will be perfect, and want to follow in my footsteps exactly.) It is unrealistic to think that if your child is meant to play piano that they will do it without ever a protest, a groan, or a complaint, or a dramatic and stage-worthy statement like "I hate this!" However, remind yourself of why you started in the first place, remind your child of how well they did at the last recital, or how fun it was to play that one piece that one week. Let them play a piece they are good at to start out their practice and encourage them.
Some parents say: I don't want to force my kid to practice, when I was a child my parents forced me to do piano, and I hated it! However, I am not asking you to set the oven timer and and have your child practice for an hour a day. If they play through their songs once per day, they will be making progress. If you help them and practice with them if they are discouraged or frustrated, it might help. If you don't know how to help them, then sit in on a little of their lesson and play a little yourself. Students love to watch their parents try to play their piece! If you as the parent don't understand it, have your student teach you!
Let me tell you a little story...
My parents made me practice. My parents were not concert musicians that had some ultimate plan for my life. In fact, my parents can keep a tune in church and that is about it. (They also know when the special soloist is flat, mind you.) My mom is a CPA and my dad is a foot doctor, but I begged for piano lessons. I loved music. I thought I had died and gone to heaven when I was in the children's musical at Christmas in kindergarden. So, my parents rented a piano, bought me piano books, and started me in lessons. About six months into it, like any normal kid, I said I hated practicing and I wanted to quit. Oh noooo. They said. We have rented a piano and re-arranged our living room furniture to accommodate it. They told me I had to commit to four years. I was eight at the time. That was half of my life. I had no concept of how long four years would be. And every day, that oven timer went on for thirty minutes and I had to practice piano for the full thirty minutes. It was terrible. I hated it, and I couldn't thank my parents more today.
So here is my advice: don't make a huge fight out of it. Just make a routine. Every day after school or after dinner your child sits down alone or with you (whatever works better) and plays or sings through their songs once or twice. That is all. You encourage them and only tell them great things (leave the constructive criticism up to their teacher). If you do this four or five times a week you will be getting a return on the investment of your lessons. If your student is singing around the house or in the shower, that is practice too. They can listen to their songs on their ipod or whatever. And that is not too much to ask. Plus, you students will probably not need to be reminded over time, they will just do it.
Common Problems and Solutions:
1. Your child doesn't want to practice because he or she is a gregarious extrovert and she has to go by herself to the dark garage and practice for fifteen minutes on her keyboard. Torture!!
If your child is dreading being exiled to the spot where the piano is, get a keyboard that can be moved into a main part of the house.
2. Your child can't get started. Often the hardest part is finding the hand position, sitting down, and playing it through for the first time. Help your child by sitting through the lesson and learning it a little yourself so that you can help them. Often after the first practice or two, they can do it by themselves.
3. The student doesn't see how playing "Mary Had a Little Lamb" (or something equally juvenile) is going to translate into their dream of being the star of High School Musical XXIIV.
Talk to your teacher about taking five minutes to sing or play their favorite song. It helps them connect their study of music to their future goal.
Give yourself a pat on the back. You are far from being a stagemom, you are a good parent who is teaching your child discipline, focus, and perseverance, not only in music, but in life.
Stop forcing your child to practice if:
Being a musician was ultimately your dream, not theirs. If your child has never shown interest, talent, or aptitude, and starting lessons was completely your idea, not theirs, and they have been absolutely hating it for at least two months straight without any enjoyable accomplishments (they are not just having a bad week or two, in other words but more like a bad winter of 2009) let them find something they do like. At that point, please, quit.
It is turning into a serious temper tantrum or fight every week. Resistance and complaining or dread is a normal fact of life, (even a melodramatic meltdown once in a while is normal especially if your child shows potential in the arts ) World War III every day is a sign that something is wrong especially if your child doesn't perk up and calm down once they have figured it out, or started to show some pride of improvement. Re-evaluate at that point.
Your child is seriously over- scheduled, or tired. Do you have an activity scheduled after school every day? Does your child not have any playtime or downtime? Is your child yawning constantly or complaining of being tired every day? Listen to that. It might be time to prioritize extra curricular activities. If karate or soccer is more important to your child, and you just can't do it all, then quit.
1 comment:
Well said! Well said! I think I have a few parents that I would like to pass this along to as well. I agree, I had to practice and I am so grateful that I had to at the time. Discipline is not intuitive, it is learned and the truth learned here will carry over into all of life. Anything worth anything you will have to work at....and probably work HARD at. :)
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